What do you think about most?

Husbands, how often do you think about your wife?

(Wives, swap genders in the question and it will work for you. For you it becomes, “Do you think about your husband?” Because I’m a guy, I’m going to use ‘wife’ as I write, but of course, I mean one’s marriage partner, male or female.)

It’s such a simple question: How often do you think about your wife?

How often? How long? What do you think about her? Do you think of her between 8 and 5? Are your thoughts related to her physical features? Conversations you’ve had? Do you have positive thoughts or destructive thoughts? (And those really are the only two kinds.) Do you think of her in your future? Do you remember special moments you’ve shared in the past? What’s in your heart? What do you feel when you think about your wife? What do you believe about her?

Here’s another way to ask it: do you think more about your favorite team than about your wife?

One of the important keys to a happy marriage is that the partners give each other focused attention. Men, focus your attention on your wife. SO, if you think more about sports, hobbies or work than you do about your wife and your life related to her, shift your attention and begin focusing on your wife.

And, men, we understand attention. Attention is what ties us to a football game (even when we know none of the players), Nascar (even when we can’t call a driver a personal friend), or fishing (even when we can’t catch a fish. I would venture that attention to detail and focused memory drives much of what goes on in the male brain. Most guys know the stats about their favorite teams and players. They know the specs of the engine in their car or truck. If you’re an IT guy, your head is full of techno-details. If you’re an insurance salesman, you’ve got the sales data down pat.

Do you recall what your wife wore yesterday? (Start remembering …)

Attention and memory are what allow you to remember that the 1980 Pontiac Trans Am was the first Firebird to be turbocharged and that it was the Indy 500 Pace Car. You can see it in your mind’s eye can’t you? White with the toooo big decal on the hood. You remember it because it caught your attention.

And at some point along the way, it’s likely that your wife caught your attention.

So here’s a quick 2-question test:

1. What teams were in the Super Bowl this year?
2. What did you wife wear yesterday? (I warned you!)

Which question is the one with implications that really matter if you want to be happily married?

Forget your favorite team. You’re not married to the athletes.

Consider your wife! That implies an active effort to pay attention and notice her. Do it often. When you’re with her and when you’re away. Focus on all of her positive aspects, the way she has blessed your life, the gifts of herself she has given to you. Cherish her, honor her, think about her.

It will enhance your marriage!

Significance is often discovered in the small things. Fortunately, because taking care of the small stuff in a marriage often requires the least effort while offering the greatest return, it makes sense to do the easy stuff.

Remember the part about “sure repetition”, though. To do a small thing once may be incredibly significant … especially if you’ve never done it before … but the true value accumulates through faithful repetition.

Here’s a simple example. My wife and I hold hands during prayers. Always. At weddings. During church services. Before meals. At building dedications. Before ballgames. At family gatherings. We started doing it before we were married and because it feels good, we’ve continued.

Some may say, “Well, Rick, I don’t want to hold my wife’s hand during prayers. That sounds like a gimmick.” If that’s the case, then maybe it would be for you. I’m merely sharing an example of how the repetition of a simple, beneficial act works for me and my wife.

What I do know is this: if we didn’t both perceive that holding hands during prayers was of great value, the practice would have ended at some time during the last twenty years. The sure repetition of this small, beneficial act has created value for both of us.

So what do I get from the simple act of holding hands during prayers?

It’s all personal. I love holding my wife’s hand because it makes me feel good. I love being connected to her. I love the reminder that we stand together before God as a couple, as parents, as friends. I love the sense of tradition and the notion that “this is our thing, we do this because we enjoy it.” I love being reminded at the beginning of each prayer that this is a way we give attention to each other. (Maybe God smiles.) And here’s an odd one: over the years I’ve enjoyed an occasional peek around a room (sorry God) during prayers and I’ve noticed how few couples hold hands anymore. I enjoy being reminded that she still loves to hold my hand. It makes what we do feel special.

If you’ve not done it in a while, you might surprise your partner by taking her hand during a prayer. To avoid a startle (if it’s been a while), maybe slip your pinky finger around hers. I can’t suggest you’ll immediately get as much from it as we do because we’ve done it for twenty years. It’s part of our marriage DNA. I merely offer it as an example.

Whether you hold hands during prayers or not, I do think every couple can find small, beneficial acts of attention that are easy to do. And I know from my own experience, these acts will accumulate value for for the couple as they do them consistently over the years. When repeated over time, it’s these small, beneficial acts in a marriage that have huge potential to add great value to a marriage.